Norma and Spec have a flat near Musgrave Centre

And living in that flat is a man named Vic Jagger.* His best pal is Don Lennon. No that's not true; I don't know any of his friends. But it's true that he is called Vic Jagger. That bit is true. Norm and Spec sort of put my dad in charge of looking after the flat-ish. Being a kind of satellite landlord, I suppose. And once my dad and Lee went over to the flat to listen to Vic Jagger have a whinge about the furniture, and they came back, and I said, "Well, what's he like then?" And Lee shook his head a bit and said: "He's like a...he's like an Ultra Human."
And I said: "Explain this."
And he said: "You know those people who when they are making toast, they are MAKING TOAST. Like that is all they are doing. Those people who you can see their inner monologue just says 'The thing I am doing now is MAKING SOME TOAST'".
And I said: "Oh God that's brilliant."

Because I understood what he meant immediately. And really that is the absolute perfect way to describe people like that. Because it's not that dumb people are Ultras. It's just that they have a way of engaging with whatever they are doing to the exclusion of just about everything else. I suppose the nice way to say it is that they are people that Live In The Moment. Basically an Ultra Human is someone who is always totally preoccupied with the minute to minute business of being a human, like how a cheetah or whatever is totally preoccupied with hunting and then feeding its cheetah babies and then finding a tree to sleep in and then digging its claws in the branch so it doesn't fall out and then making that horrible noise that cheetahs make for whatever reason they make it ETCETERA.

David Beckham seems like a real Ultra Human to me. Look at him. Look at his little face. Like you can see that what he is thinking is "I'm confused by what is going on here."

A thing to do a poll about on my invisible radio show would be:
Does any of this make any sense to you at all?

*This reminds me of the beginning of Fantastic Mr Fox**. Me and Lee had it on tape book when we were small, and for reasons that I can't really work out now, the opening lines used to TERRIFY us both. It starts something like "In the middle of the wood there was a tree, and at the bottom of the tree there was a hole..." I think. It used to give me the most awful creeps. I like it in the movie of Fantastic Mr Fox where he says "I don't like living in a hole, it makes me feel poor."

** The secretary of state for defence here is called Liam Fox. Which is what my brother would be called if he was a fox, of course. Equally obvious are the number of headlines in the guardian that have something about NOT SO FANTASTIC MR FOX in them.