a real conversation I heard

him: in his mid 50s, probably, sort of dad age, but did not necessarily appear to be an actual dad. not the kind of dad you would want, anyway. he looked like he used to have a ponytail until very very recently. his whole bearing and the way he even moved his head and shoulders seemed like he used to have a ponytail. he had a "peruvian" shirt (blue and purple stripes) on, and Black Jeans, and closed shoes, thanks god (he seemed like he would have clammy white feet with horrible toenails). i couldnt at all tell where he was from, sort of american but also south african. he looked like a visiting sociology lecturer at UKZN, a lot.
her: sort of early thirties, the bad kind of curly hair made even worse by mousse. lots of crisp curls brushing the face. lime green vest. bootleg jeans and a long bum.

they didnt seem to know each other very well. they didnt know anything at all about each other's lives. at first i thought maybe life coach (her) and coachee, but she talked so much NONSENSE about HERSELF that I realised it couldnt be that. I don't know what they were. If they are pals from work then I don't know how the hell they would ever be able to look each other in the face at meetings and things.

her: I'm never having sex outside of a committed relationship again.
him: i really admire you for that
her: it's been eighteen days
him: EIGHTEEN DAYS!
her: eighteen days not having sex with self or others
him: truly, i admire you for that

(slight pause where I went deaf with embarrassment)

her: the last guy I was with wasn't attractive enough for me

(slight pause where I went deaf because I was thinking WELL HE MUST HAVE BEEN A REAL DOG THEN BECAUSE JUST LOOK AT YOU so loudly)

her: my biggest thing is how you reject people in a nice way. like this guy, i know he's into me, how do i reject him in way that leaves him feeling good about himself? that's my biggest challenge. but how do i do that when i just don't find him attractive?
him: well, you could just not tell him that bit. you don't have to tell him that it's because you don't find him attractive.
her: why not? why can't i tell him that? that's dishonest. i just want to be honest.

(slight pause where i went deaf because jesus christ)

her: his name's dan. danny. danny mills. his sister is heather mills. not THE heather mills though.

(slight pause where I remembered that joke that goes "what's got three legs and lives on a farm?" "heather mills and paul mccartney")

him: you know, my soulmates profile says that i crave the moment of connectedness. I've had more than one woman write to me and say that I've reaffirmed her faith in the male sex.
her: uh huh. uh huh. see this (pulls shirt tight over tummy. it does look weirdly fat)? this is why I'm going to see my GP. I'm not digesting my food properly.

there was other stuff as well but these were the highlights.

they were both terrible, but she was so infinitely worse. i wanted to lean over to him and clarify that we were both aware that she was the worst person he had ever talked to in his life.