Last night I sat and half listened to Jack call his pal in order to read out hundreds of knock knock jokes to him

Some of them were terrible. Actually most of them were. The only one I can immediately remember goes:
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Formosa"
"Formosa who?"
"Formosa the holiday I was skiing in Switzerland."
This is a terrible joke. I don't even know what a Formosa is.*

After he read out all the knock knock jokes, he started on those ones where they go "What do you call a man who lives in the ground?" and the answer is Warren or something. I can't remember any of the ones Jack read out. That's not because some of them weren't funny, it's just because I am very very very bad at remembering any jokes of any description. It's easier to remember these ones, where they follow a very distinct pattern, but still I find it just about impossible. There is something very appealing about following a formula though. Lately I have been playing this game a lot where I imagine myself in a press conference, standing up and asking a lot of very aggressively phrased questions. And the questions always follow the exact same formula.This one:
"I'm sorry, but are you some kind of (x)?"
Like if you were at a press conference given by a python, you would stand up and say "I'm sorry, but are you some kind of non-venomous boa?"
It's funny! It is! I don't know why!
"I'm sorry, but are you some kind of land mammal?"
"I'm sorry, but are you some kind of tree surgeon?"
"I'm sorry, but are you some kind of part-time zookeeper?"
"I'm sorry, but are you some kind of old wizard?"
It makes me laugh and laugh and laugh. The other day, me and Mae were in the kitchen at Mahdis's, and I found these sort of dried soya bean snack things. They are Mae's best and they are
delicious. We were doing lots of exclaiming about how nice they are, and Mae said, "I don’t want to give these to Dan. He’ll just go 'are you a bird?'"

And then I said: “I’m sorry, but are you some kind of bird?”

And then she said: “Let me just stop you right there and ask you if you are a bird”

And then I said: “Let me just stop you right there and ask the question that’s been on the tip of everybody’s tongue: are you some kind of bird?”

And then I got the bus to Stoke Newington and laughed about it the whole way. On that same bus trip, I heard this nice middle aged lady call her slightly useless looking teenage son a chief. He said he was getting off the bus earlier than she thought was a good idea, and she said "Why would you do that, you chief?" She gave him a really hard time about it, and all her friends laughed at him, and he climbed off the bus in a huge sulk. His mum sat back all complacently and said "He'll be waiting for me at the right stop when I get off." I bet he was, too.
Obviously, if he was holding a press conference, it would only have been a matter of minutes before someone stood up and asked him straight to his face if he was some kind of chief.

* Now I do. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taiwan**

** The joke is now even more extra terrible. Answering "Taiwan" when someone asks you who is there doesn't make any sense.

Simon took this from the top of a hill near Norma and Spec's

An interesting and ominous thing is that every single English person I have shown this picture to has said "Oh Jesus, look how sunny it is." It's like they are looking at pictures of a once happy couple that recently went through a terrible divorce. All, "You've got absolutely no idea what's headed your way, pal." It makes me frightened for winter.

One of my best things about Mae and Dan as a couple is their ability to remember huge chunks of that movie called Sexy Beast off by heart

Especially that bit where Gal goes, "I'm going to have to turn this opportunity down," and Don goes, "No, you're going to have to turn this opportunity YES."

Poll time

Poll on my still invisible radio show time.
So just about every week in the Observer there is some ratty letter from "Mark" or something in Northumberland or somewhere, that basically says:
"So Nigella Lawson wants us to rustle up a dinner made out of cream and quail's eggs and caviar and pieces of actual gold, does she? It's All Right For Some I Suppose. I shall remember that the next time I have the Hunt Ball over to my house for a "kitchen supper", shall I?"
Every week they have one of these. Every week. The levels of "withering" sarcasm tend to vary, but basically it's the same letter every time.

Now.
Do you think:
a) Fair enough. You shouldn't get too Marie Antoinettish with recipes and things.
OR
b) SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. If that recipe gets on your tits, then do not make it, and also STOP WRITING INTO THE PAPER AT ONCE.

* Too many inverted commas. But I can't think of the right way to emphasize that the main feeling you get from these letters is that the writers are just THRILLED with their Coruscating Shower Of Wit. They are thoroughly pleased with their apparent ability to just whip the wind right out of anyone's sails.

A picture my mum sent me

"Ice breaking exercises" always felt like a thing that was made up in the nineties. I mean that it feels like there was a time before it became an accepted part of almost all social interactions that someone would feel awkward and spastic and shy. It does actually feel like Social Awkwardness as a problem and then as an excuse for all kinds of bizarre behaviour was invented in the nineties. The other night I was talking to this guy at Jessie's birthday party about the books most sold in second hand South African bookshops*, and he said "and this is all based on your own informal research is it. This was not a poll taken under the auspices of any sort of official anything am I right."**** And I said yes you are right.
Similarly, my Social Awkwardness Was Invented In The Nineties theory has never really been backed up by science or anything like that, and has been based mostly on my own Informal Research, which in this case has been gathered entirely from my thoughts. It would be hard even to do a poll about this on my invisible radio show about this, because all you could say is -
"Yes or no: social awkwardness was invented in the early nineties, coinciding with the rise of grunge?"

AND ANYWAY. This picture has proved me wrong. This picture of a nice ice breaking exercise where everyone sits on each other's laps and then doesn't feel shy anymore was taken in 1984. So. The idea of ice breaking exercises as a necessity dates back to the year I was born, at least. "Back to the drawing board."





*1. Saturday Night and Sunday Morning
2. I CAN'T REMEMBER**
3. The Go Between


** I was drunk. For the first time in months. I forgot how fun it was. Also my body's many cries for cigarettes*** never got any louder than a sort of thin wail, possibly coming from another room.

*** http://www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Bodys-Many-Cries-Water/dp/095309216X (apparently the author says that water can cure AIDS.)

**** Paraphrased. A lot of this is a blur. I was quite drunk.

I want everyone to like that librarians album called present passed as much as me

CONFIRMED

http://gawker.com/5137643/michael-chabons-wife-had-way-more-inaugural-fun-than-you/gallery/

One of my parents (I don't know which one because they rarely identify themselves in they emails) showed me this. You see she is terrible. So smug with such little legs moving so fast!